1. |
solitude
03:41
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|
i could have been much different than i am
on nights like these i tend to think about all the cards that i’ve been handed
could have been the girl my parents planned
but who i’ve grown my bones into is a woman i would rather be with
really shouldn’t have lived past thirteen
but broken souls + hospitals, they kept me breathing
really shouldn’t have grown up to be who i am
but resilience has always been the word inside me
//
i could run off + find myself a man
but i would rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t get it
there’s still nights when i can’t understand
why there is no one here to hold my tired, weary, shaking hand
i know it comes when you’re looking the least
but i am never looking cause i don’t think anyone would want me
i know love can surprise the way i think
but my stubborn mind has made me lose so many things
//
i clip my broken nails into the sink
the mirror shows an image of the woman that i am becoming
she’s someone that i am proud to be
she’s someone that i would want my daughter + past selves to see
she’s outgrown the mold she thought she’d need
she’s lived through the things she said she’d never want to live to see
i’m stronger than i’d like to be at times
but it’s not in vain as long as i’m alive
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2. |
i'm tired + want tacos
05:46
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a feeling so raw i haven’t been able to write it
+ you know me well enough now to know that’s a sign
didn’t see you coming ; you couldn’t have stayed if you wanted
we hugged goodbye in the rain ; i still haven’t let myself cry
//
you said that your mood fit the streets the last time you saw me
+ i still can’t be sad cause the comfort you gave me has stayed
the red in your eyes when i told you why i’ve been struggling
the words that you said when you told me you knew that i’d be just fine
still i wish you had stayed
i wish we had known sooner what we could have been
but for some reason that wasn’t meant
still i think of you when i am tired + want tacos
what i wouldn’t give to hear whatever it is that you have to say
//
these papers are mismatched + spread on my floor
my hearts been a bit more bent out of shape since you’re not here anymore
still i smile when i think of looking up at you
face lit up + eyes wide
i’m so glad that i know you
//
these days it seems timing couldn’t be more against me
but then again you came right when you should
+ i disagree with whatever reasons the universe has for you leaving
but i trust in time this is something i’ll see as good
maybe we’ll reconnect in some distant future
+ i’ll have my van ; we can travel the country in it
or maybe you were meant to come + remind me
that life can still surprise me by how lovely a person can be
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3. |
alone time
02:33
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scared of my own shadow, this is loneliness
so used to myself i don’t know what i’d do with someone else
but i’d like to factor in someone besides me one day
i’d like to know what it’s like to stay
//
there are two people that i can’t shake
one lingers with the seasons
the other when i am not awake
but i’d replace these fantasies with someone who’d relate
or who’d help pack my lunch up at the end of the day
//
my journals are full + my heart is strong
but with this much alone time my mind is turning numb
i’d like to be pulled outside of my head so i can see
how beautiful a thing it is to be
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4. |
two truths + a lie
03:47
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i’m starting to believe in love again
but i’m afraid to put your name to it
see, i’ve kept myself safe + pessimistic
but that’s not gonna get me anywhere i haven’t been
i met you, i wrote you off as shallow
but these waters we’ve been swimming in
are uncharted + filled with
feelings that i’ve waited my whole life to know
surprise every time you pull me in
+ i don’t wanna call it
+ i don’t wanna trust
but every conversation makes me want you more
+ i’m scared to believe
things i’ve always said i want to
but now there’s meaning behind crashing + slammed doors
//
i’ve always had a strong sense of instincts
but yours were so in sync with mine
i didn’t see you coming till you were
standing right there in front of me
like everything i’d forgotten i had hoped for
+ then you tell me about your mind
+ i am drawn in by our similar compulsions
to grow out of the mess that we have known
+ use the pain to make something else better
//
the days before i knew your name were thrilling
i was like a magnet to your eyes
+ for some reason i found comfort in them
+ now we’re looking at the rest of our lives
could you remind me what it was
you were thinking of the day that we first talked?
+ i’m still pinching myself every time your face lights up
it’s a feeling i could never get tired of
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5. |
numb
04:52
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i get nauseous every time i wonder what you’re doing
cause i’m so sure you’re not thinking about me
i know your days are full, but darling so are mine
i’d find time to sneak you in them if you’d try
but instead, i run my brain to try + make this make sense
+ you do whatever it is you please
//
i’d like to know one day what it’s like for someone to reciprocate
or at least treat me like i matter
but i give my love for free + maybe that’s what’s wrong with me
but i don’t know how to be cold like you
{nor would i want to}
still i fear i’ll never feel the warmth that i give
you can’t control or hold a flame
but god i wish you’d hold me
//
i woke up feeling low on my favorite kind of morning
the warm glow + droplets falling taunt me
i don’t want to be alone but i’m uncomfortable in arms of others
+ my eyes are too honest to know yours
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